They say you can't go home again...

Miranda Lambert’s The House that Built Me is one of my favorite songs at the moment. It’s bittersweet, beautiful song, but it made me cry. Call me hormonal or sappy, but it spoke to me. No, really.

A return to my youth, is that what I'm searching for?

Maybe I'm just missing everything --too much to put into words.

I counted up the other night how many times I’ve moved in my life so far. I apparently can’t count right because I kept coming up with different numbers. More often than not, I came up with 13 times. We had two main homes growing up, the first home my parents bought, when I was 4 and where we lived until I was 11 and then the house they built and I lived in until I went off to bootcamp.

The house my parents built though, that was home. I came of age in that house. It was a great time in my life. I loved our home. My parents loved it. We had a great big beautiful backyard out in the country, more like in the sticks. I lived in that house for 7 years; the longest I’ve ever lived in one place in my life. Shocking to me, because they loved it so much, they sold the house and moved with my sister when I was away in the service. I never really had any closure with home. I didn't get to pack up and lovingly wrap my things. I never got to look out the back window of the car saying goodbye in my head.
I long to be back there. It’s the only home where I felt home. I haven’t felt home since.

I fear that my kids will never feel that because until the man in blue retires, we are likely not to be in any one home for long.

Sure, some folks will say it’s good for the kids. I always thought it would be. Until recently anyway, when my thoughts changed. Perhaps it’s because we have a big, big, big move on the horizon. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling with this concept.

I know kids are resilient. Mine are very little still-so at least it’s not high school.

I know they won’t have a hard time adjusting, or most kids don’t. They will have holes in their memories though. Not big gaping black holes, but sweet little yummy swiss cheese-type holes. They won’t have one home where the bulk of their memories were born. They, in a good and bad way, will have collection of memories for multiple places. Of course, they may not be shaken by this at all.

Again, I’m just having a sappy week, well I was last week anyway. It just took me this long to put fingers to keyboard and get my thoughts out. Last week was a really stressful week, for whatever reason. And, hearing that song was certainly the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. And, the floodgates opened….

Yes, my 2 dogs are buried in the yard.

I just want to go knock on the door.

I just want to feel it.

To find myself.

Ever have that feeling?

Sometimes you just feel like you are someone else. That's me right now.

How many months and counting?

Happy New Year and prosperous tidings to you all!

Now, that I've gotten that out of the way, figuratively speaking, I'm freaking out!

Surely, I'm not the only spouse in a downright frenzy over the impending season of change. A friend wrote today of her excitement for what this year was to bring. For that, she is right. Excitement, but elation? I'm not quite sure at this juncture.

Our quaint home marketed to the masses, sits, unmoved. I’m determined to remain confident that it will sell. Of course, my stress level is heightened not only by the stagnant housing market, but also because I’m trying to find not-so-crummy-affordable-housing clear across the country. We live modestly, but I do have standards. I trust that something good will come our way.

My mother, bless her heart, suggested perhaps the children and I stay behind if we are “stuck”. While we have entertained that notion, GEO-baching just isn’t super appealing right now. Still, Semper Gumby will prevail in odd occasions and will allow that to happen if there are no other options.

There are always options. We could live in a tent. Camping is amusing. It definitely would meet the “excitement” criteria. The man in blue would be underway largely for our tour in the new locale, so one adult and three youngins’ to a tent is manageable and MAD! Alright, that’s out.

Shacking up with someone else. Oh, I don’t think I could impose. They’d have us out on our mooching backsides within a week no doubt, even if it were family, who will be within a couple of hours of the new location. Besides, sharing my home with another adult outside of my husband is something that has been long forgotten. Roommates are just not my thing. I’m far too headstrong to change my personal living habits and intolerant of others' laziness. Moreover, I appreciate and respect my friends too much to subject them to my irrationality daily. After all, we’d probably not be friends before long.

Oh and schools! We cannot even begin to look at schools until we have an inkling of where we will closet our clothing and park the cars. No matter though, my eldest announced last week she’d like me to homeschool her. Hmmmm. Yes, there are significant appealing aspects of that and I have contemplated it considerably. Still, the man in blue made an excellent point about her and her sister having the distraction of a school setting while he’s deployed. Sometimes he knows a thing or two. What about me though, me and the little one who’s not in school yet. We’ll be home. Alone. Together. Eeep! Yes, the man in blue also suggested that perhaps, just maybe, I don’t work for this next tour.

I just reclaimed my career a little over a year ago. I don’t know what to think. Emotions are swirling around my head and heart on this piece. I unquestionably wouldn’t be bored, so that’s not why I hesitate on this matter. I have more than enough to fill my day. Though, it’s the luxuries we have become accustomed to with my paycheck filling the home coffers. We eat out when we want. We go on dates. I buy pretty unmentionables. I take my kids to the movies when I want. Without me working those things will temporarily fall by the wayside. I know, I know, it’s all temporary. Heck, I say that all the time. Why can’t I get myself to feel okay with it thought?

I think what I need to do is center myself. A return to simpler things will likely be the next step to make this PCS manageable and happy for all of us. I guess I would need the pretty unmentionables, if the man in blue is underway anyhow, but my kids do need my attention and love. That should be enough to help center me for the next few years. To my neighbors, whoever you may end up being, I may need a sitter for a few minutes here and there for my sanity and bring over a pitcher of cocktails on move-in day, will ya?

So much to do!

We got the official word! Yep, the man in blue received his message CGHRMS or whatever telling us where we are headed. I know, I know, we've known for over a week, but NOW it's far more real.

I'm going to find out about listing the house tomorrow and moving ahead with that piece. It's pretty bittersweet. We are not super attached to this place, but it was our starter home and the home we've spent most of our time as a family in so far. Before, we bounced around from condos to apartments and the man in blue was often underway. So, this has been 'home' to us.

If we cannot sell, we will try to rent. That's both scary and exciting. The word 'landlord' conjures up an image of a worried crazy person chasing down rent from an unruly tenant (okay, that's a bit much, but it happens). Our friends (yes they were a CG family) had a really bad experience last year when they were renting out there home. I really don't want to find ourselves in that situation. There renter worked them over good and they are good, no, GREAT, people. It was really unfortunate and made me really second-guess this next step for us. The good news is, there situation turned around thanks to their working together and making sacrifices, they found a resolution to their problem. Sadly though, they were out a lot of money and another CG family that was line up for the house was put in a bad spot too. :(

I'm trying to be optimistic though. We are elated to hear that the man in blue doesn't need to attend any pipeline training. Apparently, he has all the schools he needs for his next cutter, which is huge! That means more time at home with us before everything changes again.

We have a report date too, but that may change depending on our oldest child's school release date. She wants to stay forever, of course.

Yes, we told the kids. The oldest is really the only one who "gets" it. She held back tears when she heard. I was really proud of her for trying to be strong about it, but really it's a lot for a kid to take. They have so many emotions about moving and whether or not they will make new friends at a tender age, that it's heart-wrenching sometimes. Of course, if the man in blue retires as he wishes (before I had/have planned, hee - hee), she won't have to endure the moves through high school because he'll be retired by then.

Alright, that's all for tonight I guess. Just lots on my mind and so much excitement and anxiety in our house lately. It's time for a vacation.

Oh, yeah, I'm going on one soon.......more on that later.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy day to all of our mom readers out there!

I remember my first mother's day. It was also the upon day upon which my first anniversary fell, ironically. My husband woke up that morning to leave for a C school states away. Of course, I was disappointed. In fact, I was downright angry. I knew the rules of the game, even early on in our marriage that he would have to leave now and again. It wasn't new to us or to me. Still, alone is not how I wanted to spend this very special day. Perhaps it was a little bit of postpartum hormones getting the best of me too.

The man in blue was bummed about our anniversary, but at the time categorized Mother's Day as just a Hallmark holiday, man-speak for I didn't get you anything, and I don't plan to. Seriously, he thought this. So, I spent the morning begging him to stay (even though I know he couldn't) and probably crying a lot. Out the door he went, and my newborn baby and I hopped in the car and drove to my mom's. I was lucky enough to live within a few hours of her, so that helped to ease the loneliness that came with my husband leaving on this particular day.

At any rate, fast forward to this morning. My man in blue is home this year. yippee! The family has grown and I know have three eager children bestowing me with cards and homemade gifts. My husband even gave me the most beautiful claddagh ring with an emerald set in it that he got from a port call in Colombia about 5 years ago. It's beautiful. Needless to say, my man has come around, and loves to surprise me, Hallmark holiday or not.

So, today we are home enjoying each other because we know that next year may bring a different scenario. He could be home, he could be away, only time will tell. Whatever the case may be, I think I've grown a bit and the water works may not be as bad if he were to be gone again. Still, I suppose we each deserve to succumb to the sadness a little bit on occasions like these. We just don't have to let it consume us.

To all of you mother's out there, I hope you have a special day whatever you may be doing and whomever you may be spending it with!

Thank you USCG

Thank you for being a fairly family-friendly service. Thank you for giving me my husband when I need him. I know that doesn't always happen, and I've had my share of gripes when you took precedence over some things in my life, but lately, well lately you rock.

That's right folks. I said it. I'm grateful, like so many of you, for what the Coast Guard allows and provides for my family. A lot of you have given thanks lately, so I wanted to chime in too.

I started a new job a couple of months ago. As such I am on your typical probationary period. So, they tend to frown upon you asking for things, like days off, times to leave early etc. Still, with children, sometimes a mother has no choice. Things come up. Children get sick, schools close for a day, and what have you. I have been very fortunate though. While it could be due the man in blue's current position, I must still say I'm so thankful. He has been able to take off for illnesses, doctor's appointments and closed school days. Had he not been able to, I might have lost my job by now. Heck, with three kids, a lot can happen even in just a week's time.

So, I'm rambling. I know. What I am getting at is that I'm just a really happy gal right now. I can only hope this continues for awhile so I can continue to see the CG in a brilliantly positive light. ;)

The Housing Debate

When our gig is up here, we may opt to sell our home. Depending upon where DH receives orders to, we may choose to live in base housing, if it is made availabe to us. This would be a first ever for us. We have always lived on the economy. Part of the reason being that my husband has always been adamant about maintaining distance between professional and work life and felt that living in base housing can possibly muddy up a situation. Another reason is that it's never been mandatory where we were stationed, and we were fortunate enough to be able to rent apartments and then later even purchase a home.

Sure, there are the stories of rumor mills and spouses attempting to pull rank, but it can't be all that bad. Heck, in the civilian world, you can have nosey neighbors and such, we are not immune. Still, I think the issue that concerns many military families is how Admiral Jane Doe's wife might get involved with Fireman Umpty Frats' lawn care regime or how the "Welcoming Committee" might be so welcome at a particular abode. Then there is the matter of how one might not feel at home on base housing because there are allegedly always rank issues to be had. What say those of you who have enjoyed (or not) living in base/privatized housing?

I would venture to think it's all what you make of it. You don't have to get wrapped up in any craziness. Or, is it just completely unavoidable? The adult in me thinks it is, but perhaps I'm being naïve.

Goodness. It's quiet around here.

Well everyone must be busy with the long-weekend for Columbus Day behind us and Halloween coming up soon. Maybe it's the chill in the air, in most places or the foliage that has us distracted. Of course, I know our ladies in the South, Cali and way up North in Alaska are probably enjoying different weather. How goes it in your neck of the woods? Remember, it's still hurricane season, so brush up on the tips posted earlier this season by Amber and Mary on our blog, especially if you are in a hurricane prone area.

I have been swamped with work of all types lately. Rather than bore you with all of that though, I will say I am currently enjoying my husband being home. We are looking at him possibly leaving again soon for a short trip, but that is doable. Some of our contributors right now are still enduring some lengthy separations and others are getting ready for deployment time again.

This time of year can make or break the spirit in terms of deployments. With the holidays upon us, we all want our loved ones to be home for the Big Days. You know where you can gorge yourself on turkey and trim the tree and say a toast at midnight. Still, in this life, we know that there will be times that we cannot always be with our Coasties on those most special days. So, many opt to celebrate in different ways and often on different days throughout the year. We make the most of what time we have and try to understand the needs of the Coast Guard. That's just how we roll. :)

Anyone have a unique holiday tradition story to share? What do you do when your loved one is deployed on a Big Day?

*ahem* I've been a bit busy.

Well, my beloved is home again. So, I've been enjoying his company since Friday evening. Of course, I've had to share him with the little ones. I have to say though, the expressions on their faces when Daddy comes home always makes it all worthwhile though.

I kept them awake the other night even though he wouldn't return until after bedtime. (His flight kept getting bumped and he arrived much later than anticipated.) Though, trust me it was worth it. The baby was elated to see him. He's at that age now where he is starting to notice when Daddy is actually gone. He does okay with it, but still misses him nonetheless. The girls, well, they were bouncing off the walls. My oldest has been used to deployments and trips for her whole little life. Still, she has a tendency to miss the man in blue and eve moreso the older she gets. Our middle one, well she goes with the flow. She thinks that when Daddy is not here, he's living somewhere on a ship anyway. :)

On another note, I'm going away on a little trip of my own over the weekend, so Daddy will have all the children to himself for the first time ever. This should prove to be very interesting.

Enjoy these lazy (or rainy) days of summer wherever you are.

Cheers!

Stealth Smackdowns Give Illusion of Perfection

Amber and I were joking last week that since we don’t often write anything negative about our husbands perhaps we should have one day a week where we blog about their misgivings. Alright, so maybe that won’t happen, but it sure would be great blog fodder, wouldn’t it? Of course, if I know my husband, and I do, he’d be soon setting up his own blog to happily report on my lack of perfection. And, since I am almost perfect, I’d like to keep up the charade a little longer. ;)

At any rate, I find that people often wonder why my spouse, and I don’t fight that much. Well, gentlefolk, we do. (You can pick your jaw up off the floor now). In fact, we can argue ‘til the sun comes up. The thing is we choose to be mature about it (most of the time). I try to make sure stay out of earshot of the kids when having an *clearing throat* heated debate because I don’t want them to feel bad for daddy because I always win. Oh, and I don’t think it’s anybody else’s business, so I keep most of it to myself. Think about it, if we have a big ‘ole smackdown in the presence of friends or family, the company present is either going to feel forced to choose sides or will just be embarrassed by our behavior. So, why not just avoid all that drama. I’d hate to see my husband lose all his friends and family support to me. It’s bound to happen.

Honestly though, all couples bicker. If you don’t, go get yourself a trophy and shout from the rooftops because you are one in a million. I’ve seen those couples who don’t argue and they are the couples who often split up. Alright, so not all split and most just end up with some deep-seated issues. At least that’s my humble assessment. Come on, that can’t be healthy. It’s got to come out sooner or later—better in the dining room before a makeup romp than in the courtroom before a final judgment dividing someone’s retirement. :)

I promise I can be serious. Bear with me.

I know that the there is a time and place for certain things. We have some friends who are quite a pair. Recently, I witnessed them in a group setting hashing it out. Apparently, this is commonplace with them. Okay, so that’s their thing. They are the party-fighters. Me, I’d rather bottle it all up for the ride home and let him really have it. ;) Damn, there goes my stoicism again.

Point, point, where the heck is my point?

With each year of marriage and accrued service year, I’ve learned politics and diplomacy. Maybe our way of addressing points of contention has to do with this military life. Perhaps it has to do with keeping up a certain image :) . Whatever the reason, I think that I’m most fascinated with people who think my spouse and I have a perfect relationship. *chuckles* I think if that were the case I would be one bored lady.