Separations - Just a Part of the Life

I hear folks time and again complaining about how their loved one has to travel or get underway. On the flip side, I also hear stories of families who are thrilled that the deployments give them a chance to appreciate each other more. Whatever the case may be in your family, it's your right to have an opinion. Be warned though, Coast Guard life is not always easy and as a family member you get to be there for the good, the bad and the sometimes annoying back and forth that comes with military hurry up and wait. If I can say two things, they are:

1) Don't be surprised if your loved one has to get on a ship and/or otherwise deploy. This, my friends, is the United States Coast Guard, an Armed Force that has worldwide presence and impact.

2) Don't feel that you are alone. You are certainly not. There is a widespread, welcoming Coast Guard community family here to support you and commiserate with. Reach out.

Sure, you may have just welcomed a new addition into your family, or you are about to do so. Separations, during, after, before or around such a momentous occasion can be downright frustrating. You may experience a slew of emotions. I know. I have been there and so have countless other Coastie spouses and family members. It is not easy. But, hey, look on the bright side, separations are temporary in the grand scheme of things.

The thing I'm not looking forward to is further deployments as the children get older. In their early days, kids are often oblivious to certain things. As they age, that changes drastically. I have talked about this before. My oldest is already having concerns for upcoming deployments. She cannot even fathom dad being gone for longer stints again-she barely tolerates his schedule now. In turn, this makes him sad. He seems to be feeling as though he's letting her down. I reassured him that this is normal and children will go through this. If it's not a deployment, it will be something else. He is worried though, and I appreciate that. I know that he misses the children terribly when he's away. He misses milestones, the making of friends, birthdays, etc.

On a slightly different note, I asked about overseas tour. I think he thought I wanted to get rid of him. In reality, I don't want him gone for a year at a time. Heck, two-six months at a time is tough enough. Still, you do what you have to do. This is bigger than us. That is what being a Coast Guard family member is all about. We make sacrifices too. All military family members do.

Sometimes I think it is harder for us when they go away (I'm sure I'm contradicting an earlier post by stating this). We have a life to keep living and the day to day activities to tend to, always forging ahead. For them, they have the job-an extremely important one at that! They are focused on that. We are focused on them coming home. They are thinking of the mission at hand. We wonder if it's all that crucial.

It is.

I don't want to be all preachy, but I know I can get that way. Forgive me.

Take this post for what you will. It is more of an out loud conversation with myself to reassure me that I can continue to live this life and that I can continue to support my spouse. Not only can I, but I will. I will because my husband signed on the dotted line and no one had to draft him. He chose this life (as did I when I married him). So many others have too. A lot of folks still take that for granted. They never contemplate what it would be like if no one made the choice. You and I know, the choice would be made for us. So, yes, my husband's job is important and temporary separations are just a small sacrifice that we family members can make to support that choice--to support our country.

The Coast Guard is not a walk in the park. It's not the "easy branch". It's not puddle piracy, or whatever else you may have heard. The Coast Guard is so much larger and means so much more than meets the eye. Those of you already living this life know and appreciate that. Think of that next time the tough days get the best of you or someone complains about a 8 week patrol. If I start complaining, shove this post in my face and give me the reminder too.

Piracy in the 21st Century, what say you?

Today, I had the pleasure of hearing a flag officer speak and one of the subjects he touched upon was modern day piracy. I don't know about you all, but it's not something I'd ever really focused on as a concern. Sure, I've been educated in acts of terrorism, included piracy, and understand, but may not be personally fully prepared for (of course I don't sail), the risks of sailing the seas, but pirates?

I'll be honest with you, I didn't really follow the latest and greatest news on the piracy case. I only know bits and pieces. Sorry, I've been a tad preoccupied.

At any rate, the whole act seems so archaic or does it? Maybe that's why pirates are still successful. Folks underestimate the potential for pirates to overtake their vessel and/or take their lives and materials. Why is that the case?

I'd interested to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Also, be sure to check out Rear Admiral William Baumgartner's recent speech on the subject as he spoke on "International Piracy on the High Seas" before the Subcommittee on Coast Guard & Maritime Transportation, Committee on Transportation & Infrastructure, U. S. House of Reprsentatives on February 4, 2009.

Goodness. It's quiet around here.

Well everyone must be busy with the long-weekend for Columbus Day behind us and Halloween coming up soon. Maybe it's the chill in the air, in most places or the foliage that has us distracted. Of course, I know our ladies in the South, Cali and way up North in Alaska are probably enjoying different weather. How goes it in your neck of the woods? Remember, it's still hurricane season, so brush up on the tips posted earlier this season by Amber and Mary on our blog, especially if you are in a hurricane prone area.

I have been swamped with work of all types lately. Rather than bore you with all of that though, I will say I am currently enjoying my husband being home. We are looking at him possibly leaving again soon for a short trip, but that is doable. Some of our contributors right now are still enduring some lengthy separations and others are getting ready for deployment time again.

This time of year can make or break the spirit in terms of deployments. With the holidays upon us, we all want our loved ones to be home for the Big Days. You know where you can gorge yourself on turkey and trim the tree and say a toast at midnight. Still, in this life, we know that there will be times that we cannot always be with our Coasties on those most special days. So, many opt to celebrate in different ways and often on different days throughout the year. We make the most of what time we have and try to understand the needs of the Coast Guard. That's just how we roll. :)

Anyone have a unique holiday tradition story to share? What do you do when your loved one is deployed on a Big Day?

A Reader Shares Thanks - Common perspectives

Recently we received a very nice note from one of our newer blog readers. She “wanted to send a quick note of thanks for [the blog]”. Her message touched on how sometimes it’s difficult to deal with the strain the CG life can put on a relationship. I think we’ve all been there at one point or another. I know that for me personally it was more difficult when I didn’t have a strong support group. And, by support group, I mean a bunch of fellow military wives/girlfriends that I could kvetch with about a sour day or with whom I could share news of a looming advancement. They just got it and got me.

Our reader also discussed how she was never exposed to a military lifestyle before and that “[i]t's definitely an adjustment." She said, "This blog has helped me see the positives in being a Coastie wife/girlfriend and (try to) stay flexible.” Isn’t it nice to know you are not alone? I think we all seek that kind of feeling in our lives.

At times, I feel a bit guilty for being able to cope (most of the time). You see having been in the military I was already forced to accept that you there is always a hurry up and wait situation and how flexibility is not an option but rather more of a requirement. If you aren’t flexible, you just might break. And, really, who wants that? Brittle pieces of you scattered all over the map just is not ideal, and it makes a big mess. Perhaps that is why I hear so much about lubrication. Yes, that must be it! The reference must be in regard to lubrication of joints, ligaments and tendons, to ensure that we are pliable and maintain our elasticity.

So, dear reader, even though you mentioned how “it's not [your] first nature for [you] to be flexible” you did say you were trying and that’s what really matters. We get that. It is not easy. I think there is a saying that goes something like Anything that’s worth doing, isn’t always easy. Isn’t that the truth?

I will share with you something a bit comical. Our reader touched upon how it is “hard to stay positive all the time when plans get cancelled or put off because of a last minute deployment”. It is the nature of the beast, but that doesn’t mean it is always that with which we want to deal. Anyway, my father-in-law was planning on a visit. My husband told him he may be sent on orders somewhere, but that he was basically in a standby to standby position. Exasperated, his father (who is an Army vet mind you) actually asked, “Why can’t they give you an answer? Don’t they realize people have lives? How can anyone make plans?” To this the man in blue replied, “Easy, I make plans and if I have to cancel, I just cancel.” That is it. He was just matter-of-fact about it. I will say that not everyone has this attitude. It has taken us awhile to learn to roll with the punches. We chose this life, and we try to remember that when we get frustrated and irritated with how things can go. After all, we know there is not some guy or gal in an Ivory Tower handing down orders to screw up someone’s weekend or holiday plans. It is not personal. It is simply part of this life. (Of course, that doesn’t mean we eagerly accept everything with a happy face; we are human and sometimes our emotions come through in a not-so-pleasant way.)

Just hang in there. It sounds like you are doing your best to support your loved one and applaud his efforts. We hope you keep coming back and even post some comments. We would love to hear from you. And, if I may add one pun (bad as it may be), remember, we are all in this boat together.

Loving a sailor, making decisions.

We are looking at options; options for the future.

So there is a possibility that if you go this route, you may never get underway….again? I asked.

Well, possibly, says he.

I mull this over. On the surface that sounds spectacular and many a wife would gladly hear those words. Still, I know, in my heart, that he loves being at sea. When we started dating, I will admit, I fell in love with the romantic notion that he’d go out to sea, and I’d wait lovingly until he returned. It wasn't forever, I told myself, and always been an independent woman. I could do this. I would do this. I’ve been doing this.

I knew from our first date that I wanted to spend eternity with this man. I felt like Brandy, watching his eyes and listening to his stories of riding the ocean waves. I could feel the power of the storms and smell the salt of the water. While I knew he’d always be in my heart, I knew also that he had a passion for the great deep blue. I never thought he’d choose it over me, but I know he has always been drawn to it, and I respect that. In turns he respects me and always discusses a new billet with me before jumping in head first (that’s if he has a choice). In a way, I think it’s his way of reassuring himself that I’m okay with this life. I’m sure he struggles with it. Who wouldn’t? You love being at sea, but you love your family waiting at home too.

So, what’s a girl to say? A teeny tiny part of me wants to say “Yes, stay ashore. Be home to watch the kids grow.” Still, I’m a believe in allowing him to make his own career decisions (without too much nagging from me). We talk about the family first. Obviously, with children and school and housing matters, family often throws a wrench in the mix. Still, after we talk about ideal places for our family. I let him go from there. I can work almost anywhere so that doesn't concern me. So, I encourage him to think about his career advancement and getting the most out of educational and training opportunities. I want him to look back on his Coast Guard years and feel satisfied.

Why is this so important to me? Well, I'm glad you asked. When I was in the service, I didn’t take advantage of a few opportunities that came my way. I felt I was young and had all the time in the world. In addition, I never envisioned getting out as soon as I did. I had my goals set on a 20 year career, at least. So, I have a few regrets. I wish I had taken that overseas tour. I wish I had gone to that school in D.C. I should have completed my Bachelors when I was still active. I could go on and on. Still, I did get to experience a lot of great things and establish some solid connections, and for that I’m grateful that I wasn’t a complete dunce.

Back on topic though, I don’t want my husband to look back with remorse over things in the years to come. So, what do you say to your husband when he’s asking you about no more sea duty? Well, I told him, I support whatever decision you make. Either way, the future looks pretty bright, no matter what route he chooses. I just wish I had a crystal ball to show me what the ultimate decision will be. Until then, I’ll hand over the looking glass for him to have a tête à tête about which road to travel.